Living with grief is like living in two worlds.

Living with grief is like living in two worlds. Yet neither one is the present. Since our son died, I
have been walking the line between reliving the past and looking at how different the future will
be without him.

Everyone has heard the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, the same
way and expect a different outcome. I never fully understood what that meant until now. Hours
and hours I have spent going over the months, weeks, days and hours leading up to Phil’s last
breath trying to figure out what we could have done differently. What we did wrong. No matter
how much I try to change the course of events in my mind, I can’t change the outcome. Yet I
keep doing this. Why? What purpose is it serving? Just reinforces the idea that I think I did
something wrong and that I had control over the outcome?
And then there is the future. I spend time there in my mind as well. This is not how it was
supposed to be. How can I be happy or enjoy things?
All these games, for a lack of a better term, does nothing but steal the present. It’s hard not to
feel like you haven’t been erased in the grieving process. Nothing makes much sense and it’s
almost impossible to remember the who you once were before all this. I think the only possible
conclusion to all this is that the person I was before is no longer. How could it be?

So much of life seems out of view, just over the hill or around the corner

It feels like a power so much greater than me
has taken a deep breath and blown my life around like a child blowing the seeds of a dandelion into the
Breeze. Never knowing where it will end up. I wonder where will I end up?
“Sometimes when the fog lifts, a beautiful view will appear?” Most days it is easier to look at the fog.

So now what? I feel like I am slowly coming out of the fog, and I am looking at a “fork” in the
road. Not the road less traveled fork as everyone knows about but the fork toward living in the
present or staying in two worlds that only exist in my mind. So many questions. So many
unknowns.