Tell my heart to feel again.
Melting ice is like drops of your soul being lost when you are in the midst of grief. With every passing day, I wonder if who I use to will be lost—drip by drip. Painful memory by painful memory- changed forever? But of course, I will be changed forever, why would I even think I wouldn’t be. To be changed is inevitable but being lost is not.
The first pages were easy to write but now I must decide the direction I want to take. Do I want to go back to the beginning and move towards today in chronological order? Or start from today and move back into the past?
What if neither option is the best. Maybe it should follow whatever I am feeling at the moment. A spontaneous, unplanned project.
As a right-brained person shoved into an extremely left-brained career, this sounds like the path I need to take-not all about planning but more about feeling.
Maybe a little rain can make things clearer?
Song: Tell Your Heart to Beat Again
Singer: Danny Gokey
“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be.”
If you look closely, messages are written in the sand.
Please tell my heart to feel again, trust again. I trust people, I’m not sure I trust life these days. It’s so hard to understand why things happen. Do we ever know the “why’s”? Every day someone’s life is turned upside down from some “why” that came out of nowhere and hit them like a brick. Am I supposed to go through life not afraid of the “next” bad thing? Wondering when it will hit me out of nowhere?
Losing my beautiful son at the age of 37 I do know that life is short, very short, under the best circumstances. So, when the circumstances turn deadly is it better to have “lived without all this crazy fear”? Obviously, we are all going to die at some point. Regret trying to dodge the ‘bricks” or regret living in fear of them? I am tired of living in fear.
Paralyzed by fear, afraid to move.